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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

"Hi Carlos, I have..." - by Carlos Iskandar


Date: Mon, 12 Oct 2005 22:19:56 -0800 (PDT)
From: "Carlos Iskandar" (carlos_isqandar@yahoo.com) - Add to Address Book
Subject: Hi Carlos, I have...
To: lea_laurielle@yahoo.com


Hi Lea,
 
Please accept my apology for not contributing any entry lately.  Hey! Congratulation on your webbie, cool one.  I am glad that you decided to put up the webbie, good choice and decision.  It just that I'm not in the real state of mind that I want to be.  The reason being that about a month ago a very very close friend of mine calls and tells me that he has cancer.  I hope, I can share with you and your readers this story.
 
As a friend I am affected, because it will change the nature of my relationship. I feel powerless and helpless, wondering how to respond, how to assist.  These conflicting feelings may lead me to avoid my friend, beginning a terrible cycle of guilt or assumptions. "I haven't called or said anything in so long, he'll be upset with me if I do it now."  Whether a friend is ill or caring for someone who is, they may have to give up treasured activities, things we shared or did together.  They may have less energy, time, or even income.  All of these circumstances may spark many feelings such as sadness, anger, guilt or anxiety. Being a good friend during times of crisis is a great challenge.
 
I feel inadequate because I do not know what to say or even whether it is appropriate for me to say anything. Sometimes, I may honestly want to know how my friend is doing, but then wonder if how or should I ask.  I feel like if I say something it will bring up or create sad feelings.
 
I guess, when someone is experiencing illness, loss, or caring for another who is, he or she is always aware of it. So, it is best always to venture - to acknowledge and to offer opportunities for conversation. A simple, "I am sorry or how are you doing?" can convey my empathy, and show my interest and concern.  I have to recognize that sometimes, my friend as individuals will need to talk about the experience while other times he may wish to avoid addressing family, friends, loss, or illness issues.  At this moment I know that my friend would prefer a normal conversation.
 
When a friend has an illness, that person will struggle with many feelings. He or she may feel angry, guilty, sad or lonely. I know that he is experiencing fears and anxieties. "Will I get through the operation/medication?  How tough will it be? What will I have to struggle with down the line?" He is grieving the losses he has already experienced - losses of dreams, health, and perhaps even financial stability.
Friends, family or caregivers too, will struggle with difficult feelings. They may be anxious or fearful. They may feel burdened and resentful. They may feel guilty.  They, too, may experience that sense of loss of hopes, independence and security. They may face painful decisions about how to best care for the person or when they will cease curative treatment.
 
One of the greatest gifts that I can offer is a safe place for that friend to express and discuss fearful feelings. It is not enough just to listen, I need to respect and validate the feelings, fears, and sad thoughts.
 
Often, it seems easier to try and "fix" these feelings.  Saying things like "You need not be scared," "You shouldn't feel guilty," "Think of the good times." Can be well meaning.  However, these types of statements may only serve to discount the real feelings that my friend has and may isolate him further.
 
It is important for me to respect those fears, to understand that they are real and cannot simply be dismissed.  Rather than saying "You should not feel guilty, angry or afraid," let the person express those fears and feelings. "What makes you frightened" or "I understand you're angry," I have to allow my friend an opportunity to further explore his feelings.  It also provides him with space to decide what they need to do to best handle their reactions.
 
One of the most important things that I can do for my friend who is coping with illness or loss is to help in tangible ways. I know that, it is not enough to simply say, "Is there anything I can do?" A person living with illness, or caring for someone who is may be too stressed to consider how to help or get help.
It is most helpful to volunteer to do specific things. " Can I accompany you go to chemotherapy?"  or  "Why don't I come over for a dinner or a movie?"  Tangible acts such as cooking food, helping with chores, assisting in caregiving, can mean so much to my friend in crisis.  I wish I could be there to do this with him.
 
As we go through life, you and the people you care about will experience illness and other losses.  Challenges brought on by illness or loss affect not only the person who is experiencing it, but also family members, friends, co-workers and all who are touched by his or her life.
 
Yours sincerely,
carlos_isqandar
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PUBLISHED ON BEHALF OF CARLOS ISKANDAR



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Posted at 12:00:00 pm by Nurlea Laurielle Lai Lee Abdullah




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