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Saturday, April 09, 2005

How I feel - does anyone care?

Current mood: Sad, depressed, frustrated



Friday, April 08th, 2005 - at around 4pm.

Well I am feeling a tid bit frustrated today. I just have this bad feeling.. about somthing. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I mean so far today, I had fun. The tagboard seems great and greater today. I don't know, probably it is getting out of hand? Nah - maybe it is just me. I seriously don't know and am not too keen to find out.

There seems to already be too much "freinds-teasing" problems here at the tagboard- most of the time I'm cool and ok with it. Today I felt like, too much for me, is it? Is it really that 'pedas' or is it just me, feeling too 'shitty' about something else and blaming of this tagboard, blaming my friends? What I do know for a fact is that they are my friends and that they're just acting normal as they use to. So, it looks like it is me then, kan? But I still say "No" to that... I don't think so. So, what is it then? Why am I feeling so shitty about all these and why do I have this strong feeling its gonna get worse later?

To most people this wouldn't be much of a problem; the shitty feelings I mean - but for me it is a major problem. I just hate having to do with this feeling that am the only one thinking all these are problems and its making me and gonna make me feel shitty. To always be the one to feel down, shitty and crying - I think the drama queen in me is so true and it is so working out. BUT this time I think it is something else. But hell I guess I don't know what it is...

**************************************************
Friday, April 08th, 2005 - at around 6pm.

TRUE enough something happened! I was chatting as usual with my group of close friends with some strangers over at my tagboard - when all of a sudden, boom. It hit me. It hit me right at my face. What? This did

"KAU SIBUK KENAPA LEA. KAU DAH EXPIRED UNTUK JADI RATU ATAU CROWNKAN RATU PAHAMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KERTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!"

Wohoo - I knew I was feeling shitty all day a bit but this? It just hit me, slap me right on my face. I am now suke sibuk? I am now expired to be a queen or crowing one? I'm OLD? Ever experienced the fact that you're alright feeling shitty for not knowing why you're all gloomy and grumpy and feeling bad and sad over something you don't know? Imagine that and suddenly, boom! You got this msg over at your tagboard, and it was from a friend - claiming it was just a joke? Oh - how lame can he get when giving excuses? I know I know it was probably really was a joke or something. But since I was feeling a bit confused about feeling all this grumpy and shitty and what not - this was a real big slap on my face. Of course I couldn't blame this friend of mine becoz yeah, he didn't know I was feeling all these grumpy shitty and what not, correct? But at the same time, one cannot blame me for starting to keep quiet, and thinking about the joke that could actually somehow or rather be true, and started crying. You can't blame me for that, right? And so I decided to lay low and keep quiet - continued crying while my two phones were switched off. Since, well, Lea is just a drama queen and with this act? She has proven to the world that she's a world-class best drama queen, or should we say - World's Best Soap Opera Queen???

These were the things I FELT yesterday till later last night;

1. My friends will never take me seriously whenever I feel really down and crying my heart out - why? Well - I'm just another drama queen.
2. Teasing can be fun - and it can also break someone's heart - apparently, 'twas my heart they sliced into thousand little pieces
3. I was already feeling down - perlu ke make things worse?
4. Don't my friends realize that I DO have a heart? And a sensitive one, please take note?
5. Even the right words that seems to rhyme, can eventually be a wrong thing?
6. I felt like I couldn't show how sad I was - as no one would wanna believe how I felt being humiliated as part of their 'teasing' scheme?
7. I guess when it comes to the world of Drag Queens - true, teasing was and still is and will always be a part of life - but doesn't anyone know the word, limits?
8. I feel as though someone I really really like also tends to not understand me and agrees to the fact that am just another sicko wacko drama queen who only wants attention?
9. My day was from average, to slow, to the maximum of pure sadness and pathetically damned. What would be coming up next?
10. Everyone says "We know her, she'll be fine soon" - does anyone know and realize that, maybe, just maybe, I won't be fine, SOON?

Well - till 6pm, or so it seems around until and after that time - I felt all those things I mentioned above. And the fact that I avoided those people who were trying to call me, no - not making more drama out of it. I was trying to say "Please, I do not wish to talk to you just yet, and I do not want to make the impression that I am DESPERATELY wanting you to believe that I am really crying and this is not just a mere-act of a drama queen" - I mean, SOAP OPERA queen. Basic rule number 1 when you're down, universally, is that you would wanna be alone - and so was I...

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Saturday, April 09th, 2005

Im feeling a slightly better today. A little bit of the frustration is gone. I slept off early last night, as early as 9pm, after Isya'. I was pretty much tired after crying my heart out the whole evening, plus, I did go for swimming and that contributed to the fact that it got me all more and more tired. Couldn't be bothered to do anything, after Isya'. So I decided to really get some rest and sleep for today.

And this morning, after Subuh prayers, after I finished off the first Juz' *Yes, for your info, I 'khatam'ed my Quran on Tuesday night, during the family weekly Al-Quran-reading gathering thingie* of the holy Al-Quran, I felt a lot better. And afterwards, had breakfast, that really made things even better. What do you expect, FOOD? Of course it'll make me feel somewhat better. But I was not completely over and done with the things that happened yesterday - If I'm over and done with it, yes, I agree, I am just a mere soap-operan queen who maintain her sad character act for more that 12 hours. So as I'm feeling, still feeling shitty about all these, there you go - it is true, I was depressed over yesterday's whole teasing measing issue.

I never quite understood why people think that when they can assume stuffs, that makes them superior?. I mean I KNOW, YOU KNOW, we all bleed when cut, cough when sick, sleep when tired. So what makes you think you're better than me? Wanna know something - one point that makes you look INFERIOR compared to me is that when you THINK you KNOW how someone else thinks and feels, that's when you're wrong - you can't assume or think you know how someone else thinks or feel. Everyones been through problems and has their own ghetto story. So you can't assume you know things and that it will get better "I KNOW SHE'LL BE OK" - hell yeah I'll be fine but only when I SAY IT - so don't assume it. For all you know, I could be getting a nice tie, a branded one, so it'll be somewhat of a good quality that holds a good heavy thing without ripping it apart - and go and hang myself. Would you expect that? Would be able to say "I knew she's gonna do that" ? So, you might have known me well - but being human, can one predict how another human behaves just becoz "Oh I know her well"? Go tell that to your 'I-charge-RM500-an-hour' shrink, after realizing "I thought I knew her but how come she did something that I didn't have expected she would be doin'?"

Ok, well the way I started this entry was probably a bit too much, but as my page reads "STORIES OF MY LIFE - I WRITE YOU READ" - so, its all from the bottom of my broken heart. The situation happened to me throughly made my head and heart hurt.

It might be the cavity I think have been trying to reer it's ugly head. And I guess my eating cold ass fries, a philly steak and cheese sub, and rasberry tea doesn't help. But all of that has absolutely nothing to do with the price of tea in china.

DECLARATION:
The events taken place in this blog are all true. Although, sometimes names have been mentioned, some changed, some I might not even mention - to protect the innocent, guilty, and the wealthy.

I have totally no idea why I STILL feel like keeping quiet. Probably becoz although some of my depressions and frustrations are already out, there are some still left, intact, in my heart and my soul. I know I'm one of the luckiest person to be on earth for having great friends, great strangers who likes me, and above all, for having a blogpage of my own to write what I feel deep inside. Yet, I'm broken in a way. I have too many thoughts in mind, which make me feel like a f&$^#@g person. It was a ridiculous day, yesterday. The ridiculous me doing ridiculous things. Things that is no good and wasting my hell lot of time. BUT, I was just being the real me - the one whose heart got sliced up by a friends' mere tease.

Sometimes people just wish things dont turn up in certain way. I wished that too. We can't differentiate what's right and wrong... sometimes the point of views just go all the way down to the drain, at least mine did, yesterday - when it comes to me and my thoughts and the way I feel or felt. I wish all this was just a dream. A nightmare I shall call it. I hope I don't remember it as well. I hope nothing had happened. I hope it was a wheel of fortune. I hope I can turn back time. I hope I can rewrite yesterday. I hope I never did this and that. I wish I could be smarter to communicate, smarter to talk, so that I won't get to stuck my freaking emo to them. I wish I'm a fool. At least I don't have to think that I am stupid enough to be fooled to a simple tease.

Things changed and changing and so am I - but for the good or for worse? Hell I don't even know the answer to most of my questions for now.

Can you guess how am I feeling now after this entry? WRONG - am not feeling better. CORRECT - am feeling SLIGHTLY better only...






Posted at 1:55:10 pm by Nurlea Laurielle Lai Lee Abdullah

the.Guardian7
April 9, 2005   02:06 PM PDT
 
lea.. sorry if what i typed sounded somewhat 'harsh' to you..
CN
April 9, 2005   02:13 PM PDT
 
lea... tgh PMS ker?

on the serious note-there's a time where we felt a little bit sensitive and our nice brain and heart can't differenciate whether its a joke or sthing serious..

i'll miss ya .. c yaa in malaysia
Nurlea Laurielle
April 9, 2005   02:21 PM PDT
 
the.Guardian7: It has NOTHING to do with you, so worry not. I guess CN was right - I was being a bit too sensitive and emotional and experiencing PMS? :) I'm ok - I think? I'll just keep quiet for a while - maybe that will make me tag back on my board soon. Cheers.
Stranger_in_your_blog
April 10, 2005   12:48 PM PDT
 
dear lea.sorry 2 hear wht happend 2 u. tp its life and u were only human. u hv feelngs n sometimes even wth friends it cn be really fragile. not dfending u nor ur frens s i dont knw u and ur frens.all i'm saying is tht this is all happens to normal homosapiens - so worry x abt it - specially u lea.ur a normal human being 2- thts what made u had this entry goin' on. tara!
tukangtaip
April 10, 2005   07:45 PM PDT
 
Lea, please feel better. I care about you. Hazman
hayley
April 12, 2005   11:12 PM PDT
 
be strong lea... some people are just like that, hitting other people as if they are perfect...
beewak
April 13, 2005   08:14 AM PDT
 
so what's wrong about being mad at someone?... we have our days... don't be sorry!!!!... BE YOURSELF!!!!.... u should/must let people know how you feel... sometimes... JUST DO IT... then apologize... :)

what a crap advice... somewhat belated already.... :(



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